With Valentine’s Day almost here many would-be lovers are frantically rushing around searching for the perfect present to give their special someone.

Most people are going to the basics: Heart shaped chocolate boxes, roses, cologne, perfume, and jewelry. Basically, stuff people already have, don’t want, or is going to die in a week because your special someone forgot to water them.

It’s all pointless, no one wants the crud they get on Valentine’s Day, in fact most people just want the day to end, if you know what I mean.

Now, don’t worry, I’m here to help you out with all your gift giving needs.

Guys, your girl doesn’t want heart shaped chocolate or roses, she wants you, and when you’re not around she gets lonely. So, like how pet owners get companions for their pets, get a companion for your girl. On Valentine’s Day night bring another girl home with you, it’ll be the best Valentines gift ever, and you’ll both sleep better that night.

Moving on. Ladies, most of you are probably going to get dolled up on Valentine’s Day. There’s nothing wrong with that except most of you do it wrong. You see when a guy looks at his girl he wants to see himself, and let’s face it, ladies, none of you look like your guy. So, what do you do? Well, you hit the gym a couple times a week and start benching, forget about the cardio. Protein powder is also good, plus a little bit of roids here and there never hurt anyone. The day before Valentine’s Day you should be looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger after eating a puppy. Your guy is going to like the way you look I guarantee it.

For those of you who say you don’t have a valentine this year I only have one thing to say: Yes, you do. And he/she is closer than you may think. One might even say is connected to your body, or under your pillow, or in that box that you think no one knows about, but everyone really does.

Anyway, I hope my advice was useful and I hope you all have a very lovely Valentine’s Day.

-Brendan O’Leary – The Love Guru

P.S. Tell your Mom to stop calling me.

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